Rise Up

Circles again. My life is slowly falling apart, ever since my 18th, and I can't understand why

Searching For New Life

Some consider life to be a path, a road to follow; it leads us from moment to moment, present to memory. This path is our future, and it is our past. Should we need to look back, we can simply glance over our shoulders at that which we have left behind.

At this moment, I cannot for one second believe that the past can remain at our back. I know that life is not so simple, so straightforward, and that is why I am here, at the beginning, yet again. Despite my best intentions, I have somehow managed only o walk around in circles this past year, desperately trying to move forward, and yet to naive to stop and notice the direction I was headed. And so i remain trapped,in the same lifeless friendships that remain with me where ever I go. I was reading a journal entry of mine today, which i remember writing about a year ago, at an extremely lonely place in my life. "I call but there is no answer. How ironic is it that they are all I have. There is no one else. Here I am clinging desperately to the friendships of my past, but for what. I need to be free of them to feel alive, yet they have forced me into a cage of isolation. Is this pain better than nothing. I can't decide."

Here I am full circle, not quite so alone, and yet still desperate to leave. I understand that I am their friend out of habit, but habit is not what I want. Habit is sitting in front of the television on a Saturday night. I'm sick of habit. What I want, is to be surrounded by people who are full of life, who have direction, and who want to have fun. I want to be with people who value me as a person, who think of me as something more. I want friends who give thoughtful gifts, who make time for their friend on their 18th birthday, who are willing to give them more than a Starbucks gift card and a tube of lip gloss. Really I thought so much more of you. And then there are the friends who say that they care, that they want nothing more than to be there for you, but who in the end, can't be bothered. I need to leave this city. That is the only solution I can see. I'm trapped in the very world I have created for myself. I need to get out.